Coming of Age

I haven’t slept yet.  I am too tired, too pre-occupied to sleep.  I have too much energy to sleep.  Even if my body is tired, my mind won’t let me doze off.  So many things happened to me the past 24 hours; I think I will never get to sleep at all this day.   I never realized that my coming of age, my finding who I am would be this confusing, this difficult.

I am gay.  Oh God, writing it down is such a tremendous relief already.  Putting it down on paper kind of makes me committed to really come out.  It is not on my mind anymore; it is written down in paper and kind of makes me realize that this is real.  I knew I was gay ever since I noticed the difference between a boy and a girl.  When I was younger, it puzzled me why it felt so natural for me to play dolls with girls, to play house, to play chinese garter and street games girls usually play.  It felt natural for me to admire big boys, not as heroes, but as something else, to admire them for their good looks and have undefined feelings for them. 

In a society where homosexuality is grudgingly accepted and somewhat tolerated, I am also unfortunate to belong to a very conservative family.  I hid inside myself and became an introvert. I loved cooking and sewing and decorating but my creativity and artistry for those things were curtailed early.  Instead, I did things that didn’t really matter to me, “manly” things that would make my father and brothers proud of me. I tried to be part of a basketball team, joined the boy scouts and even trained to be an officer in CAT.  I became an actor; hiding behind a mask that no one would ever suspect.  Perhaps I was so good at hiding; my family never really wanted to believe they have a son who is gay.  What they did not know was that I just learned to suppress the real me.

So I became an obedient son, masculine in front of the people but deep inside, a little boy confused about his sexual identity.  Mind you, I don’t dream of becoming a girl.  I don’t feel like I’m a girl trapped in a man’s body.  No.  I never dreamed of becoming a woman, I am quite comfortable with my physical sexuality.  I am gay, I just prefer men over women.  Girls are my friends, but men, I admire and dreamed of every night.  I kept these feelings to myself until now.  Nobody knew; not even my closest friends and best friend. Sometimes, for fun, I slipped and let the real me show.  People of course get confused.  But I neither confirm nor deny my sexuality to other people. I became a very good actor, I kept everyone guessing.

What am I up to do next?  I act, talk, and walk like any man does but I am not happy.  I courted and had relationships, but hey who was I kidding.  It was unfair to me and to the girls.  Outside, I seemed like a very content satisfied man in his early twenties, but behind that mask was the real me trying to come out.

Truth to tell, I was envious of gays had already come out.  Gay guys who were having fun, having relationships with the people they most preferred to be with.  But there I was, locked behind a façade of a successful and masculine me.  But I wondered how long would this go on?  How long could I keep it within me?  The pain, the confusion, even the guilt of hiding behind a mask was enough to drive me to depression and suicide attempts.  There were times when I tried killing myself, believing that this would solve my problems, but I was gay enough to be weak and not do it.  But I really wanted to come out, to shout to the world and say, “Hey, it’s me, I am gay and I am proud of it.”

I needed to do something, or else my confusion and depression might make me really kill myself to end all these sufferings.  I could not go on living a lie.  But where was I to begin?  How?  And what did gays do?  How did one make ladlad?  Oh yes, the sex thing.  That was foremost on my mind.  I wanted to do it.  I wanted to prove to myself that I would be happy doing that.  That was what had really been occupying my mind.  I thought then that sex and homosexuality was really like bread and better.  I could not be one without doing the other.  That time, I thought I was right, that my principle on sex was it was an integral part of expressing your sexuality.  And so I planned.  I bought books authored by Margarita Holmes and gay anthologies like “Ladlad”.  I read them to learn and somehow find an answer to clear my confused mind.  There were times when I thought of changing, of sticking to a straight heterosexual life. 

Alas, I became more engrossed and desperate to come out.  But I didn’t know anyone I could talk to.  Yes I knew of gay people, but how could I approach them?  How would I talk to them?  Was there a way that I could maintain my decency and get to know the things I would like to know as being gay?  Would my physical appearance, behavior change?  Were there organizations?  Support groups I could join?  I was so afraid of how people even my kabaros would accept me.

Then I saw them in the Internet.  In my first ever exposure to the Internet, I found out one very important fact: I am not alone.  There are thousands (perhaps millions) of gays around the world.  They go by different names, bisexual, gay, top, bottom, passive, aggressive, GWM (gay white man), GAM (gay asian man), msm, faggot, gay, homo, potato queen, rice queen and so on but these names  really boil into one, men who prefer the same sex.

I dived in, I soaked up all the information.  If I am going to come out, I would like to come out in style.  I chatted with Filipino gays and asked myself, is this really what I want to be?  So I said to myself, I have to experience the gay stuff and see what’s in it for me.  Would I still be a gay if I don’t go through gay activities?  Would I enjoy coming out in the open, one who openly acknowledged his sexuality to the public?

So I planned, and talked and chatted with people wise enough and gay enough to help poor me discover the world of homosexuality.  And my 24-hour journey to gay sexdom had begun.  Should I go out with the same sex, spend the day at the mall and try to pick some cute guy or go gay bar hopping.  At this point, I am not saying that being gay is doing all these things, but for me, these things helped me then define who I am, and what I would become.

The first thing on my agenda was to meet one of the internet chatters, who in my weeks of searching, questing and surfing in the internet had helped me.  Indeed, he and I became close in the cyberspace and said it was about time for an eb (eyeball session) or a meeting.  Nervous and wary, I arranged to meet him at a 24-hour fast food restaurant.  He was a nice, clean-looking professional and all.  Dressed in casual outfit, I never could imagine he was gay.  I mean, he was not obvious.  And when we talked, there was never a hint in his voice that he was gay.  We talked about his past experiences with girls and boys.  Through him, I found out that exploring at this age is really natural.  He made me so comfortable that I knew he was the right person that I could trust.  Needless to say, as early as 7 am, I lost my virginity to him in a motel in Pasig.  I never did imagine I would even be in a motel.  Never in my wildest dream did I imagine that I would be checking in.  We did everything gays do in bed and this was certainly one of the experiences I won’t forget.  At 10 am, after a snack in the same fast-food resto, we parted ways.  We agreed to keep in touch and update each other about our lives.  Even if this was only a one-night (day) stand, I didn’t regret it.  He opened my eyes to the joys of sex.  But where would I go next? 

I have heard of theaters where gays hang out.  Somewhere in Pasay, Quiapo, Recto, Cubao and Espana, there are such theaters that show sleazy movies and the patrons doing whatever they wanted to do in it.  So I went to one.  It sure was an eye opener for me.  The stench, sweat, and smell of manhood were all there!  Definitely, the smell of sex was very evident.  It was dark and hot, and inside, all unimaginable things I didn’t know existed was played out in full force.  The movie was x rated, but no one paid attention to it, the people inside were doing worst sexual acts than what was shown in the movie.  I was neither disgusted nor excited.  I was there to see and feel, and experience the place.  But the heat was so overpowering, I had to get out. 

I had lunch at a mall along EDSA.  I was told that restrooms were a great pick up place.  I asked myself, am I charming enough to hook one this afternoon and experience the thrill of being picked up?  I didn’t have long to wait though, after fixing my hair for a minute and looking disinterested at the mirror, a guy sidled up to me and asked my name.  He looked decent enough, just like the guy I met in chat.  He was not obvious.  But looking at him through the mirror, my libido was active enough to know what he wanted.  I was not afraid then, so I agreed to accompany him to wherever he wanted to go.  For the second time in the day, well, you know what happened next.

But my adventure was not over yet, this guy, brought to a spa, or I think it was a bathhouse, and saw what I saw in the movie theater replayed but this time, played out all wet.  This was much groping, touching, meaningful glances, huddling and pairings. 

Later on, the guy and I had dinner at a fine-dining restaurant in Manila.  I got to know him better.  He was on prowl for a serious relationship but he got tired of waiting.  Life for him consisted of one man after another.  He had his stories to tell.  Through him, I realized that the world I am getting into is such a lonely place.  At 9 pm, I asked him to take me to a gay bar.  I want to see what the fuss is about it.  Well, if you saw Macho Dancer, Sibak and Burlesk King, that’s there is all to it.  Of course there are gay bars that are more vulgar, but this was enough for me, seeing naked boys gyrating on the stage with old men, screaming faggots and closet queens ogling at them.

At eleven pm, this guy took me to a bar in Malate.  Malate was very alive and kicking.  With bars all around, we picked our bar and went in.  Bare-chested men were dancing on a stage, men were kissing.  The bar was noisy.  I could see that this was yet another place to pick up a guy.  I flirted with men who flirted with me, stole meaningful glances and made plans to see them later and do the wildest things I could dream of.

By two am, after much booze and smoke I said goodbye to the guy and decided to go home.  But this was not to be.  I walked or rather strolled, and Malate, like Quezon Circle, Recto and such, is like a shopping place where all kinds of studs are displayed and bodies can be bought.  There are those who looked innocent wearing that “I am doing this because I have no choice” look, and those with haughty eyes that say “you want me, you’ll regret not to have me”.  They all had their own stories to tell, it’s up to you to believe them or not.  They were clad in different attires, from tight-fitting clothes to the usual daily wear.  How did I know that they’re on the prowl?  Well, they just roamed around that particular street, catch your eye, wink, and sometimes make flirtatious remarks at you.

At three am, after much roaming and judging and searching, I wanted to pick one up, not because I wanted to have sex with him, but to complete the night and experience how picking one up is done.  It was very easy pala.  I sidled up to a particularly good looking one (actually I really felt sorry for him).

“Are you free”, I asked

“Yeah” he said simply.

So this is easy, “for how much”

“P500.00”

I don’t know if that’s expensive or what, I don’t know how to do it right, but I felt I had to bargain…until we came to a price both agreeable to us.  And yes, I did it again.

At five am, sore as I was, tired and quite groggy, I finally went home. I was quite in a high mood with all the things I did.  Did I really do those things?  So what now?  I did what a typical gay would do…was this it?

At least, the physical craving for a man was satisfied.  Imagine, doing it with three men all in one day.  Oh yeah, don’t worry, I was a responsible gay.  I know safe sex.  This much I learned early on that STD, HIV and AIDS are passed on more easily in sexual encounters.  I came out and did things never in my whole life I will do.  And what did I learn?  Will I go back to those places?  Was my curiosity satisfied?  How do I view the homosexuals, how do I see myself now? 

I learn that gays are people too, with various personalities and characters that are admired and despised.  There are so many things to understand about homosexuality, and I am just beginning to learn and accept this.  Sex is more meaningful if this is not only a body part inserted into another body part as Dr. Holmes would say.  Being gay is not all about sex.  Sex is not enough.  I have to experience these things to take away the cobwebs that blinds me about my understanding of homosexuality.  Gays are misunderstood.  Not all gays are like the parlor-screaming type.  There are lots of gays out there who are decent, who contributes to the well-being of the society.  There are doctors, teachers, lawyers, businessmen, computer engineers and more.  There are family men, they might be your brother, your cousin, your favorite actor.  They are people too.  Like me, some of them are afraid to come out because of the labels that might be put to them.  They try to live their lives as normally as possible, and me…am trying to do just that.

Yes, indeed I am gay but I am not ready to be one.  I am comfortable with who I am, I don’t need to shout to the world I am gay.  Guess I am not really ready to shout “Hey, it’s me, I am gay and proud of it.”  Let people judge me, but hey, they don’t feed me.  Yes I am gay, and I will do my best to be myself and let this be my strength.  But you know, at this point, ladlad is really not for me yet. 

My 24 hour experience is not enough to be really sure, to be really ready.  One day does not make me strong to face the public.  I know I would be facing lots of questions and criticisms.  My family will not understand.  I may lose some or most of my friends.  Emotionally, I am just coming to terms with myself.  I haven’t yet reconciled my mind and my heart with my sexuality.  Professionally, people at work may evaluate me in terms of my sexuality.  But most of all, I am afraid.  I am afraid that no one will get to love me and be my friend once they got to know who I really am.  My family may disown me.  I may lose my job.  But above all and most importantly, I don’t like to lose myself.

My 24-hour experience happened fifteen years ago. Since that day, there was never a need to publicly come out. I realized that in today’s technological age, despite the traditional culture I was brought in, the society’s acceptance need not be blatant.  I never came out to my family but over the years, I know they know that I know they know that I am gay and it has never been an issue. I have brought guys home, been in relationships and my family as treated me the same as before. At work, I have been to different companies where my gayness is an advantage.

In the end, I may have been fortunate not to experience the discrimination others of my same orientation experienced. At the very least, I am glad that I am accepted not for what I do or who I prefer to have sex with, I am accepted for who I am. My value as a person is not dependent on what other people may perceive me to be, it is how I put value to myself. And that is how, and most importantly, I never lose myself.